Last week, I saw a friend at my daughter’s basketball game. I was finding my seat when I saw her sitting directly behind me, chatting with another woman. She smiled and waved, but she was clearly in the middle of a conversation with the other woman.
So I waited my turn.
And I waited.
And I waited.
I waited in vain, because my turn never came. But I learned so much during that hour. I learned why people really like that friend.
The Conversation
Her conversation with the other woman went like this:
OTHER WOMAN: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….
FRIEND: Really? That sounds great!
OTHER WOMAN: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….
FRIEND: I agree! Something like that happened to me once.
OTHER WOMAN: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….
FRIEND (laughs good-naturedly): You’re right!
OTHER WOMAN: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….
FRIEND: What did you do then?
OTHER WOMAN: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….
FRIEND: What did you think about that?
OTHER WOMAN: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….
FRIEND: That’s amazing!
You get the idea. On and on it went for an hour. Talkative Woman talked and talked. She invited my friend to an event. And she talked and talked some more.
My friend listened.
I’m sure Talkative Woman left the basketball game feeling great. She had been listened to, validated, affirmed, and treated like she was the most interesting person on earth.
And guess what? The way you feel about yourself when you are around another person is typically the way you will feel about that person. We like people who make us feel good about ourselves. And since my friend treated Talkative Woman as though she was interesting and fun to be with, I expect that Talkative Woman now thinks my friend is amazing. (She is!)
Easy, and Yet So Hard
What did my friend have to do to be so well-liked? She didn’t have to come up with anything wise and witty to say. She really didn’t have to have an original thought in her head. All she did was shut up and listen. She showed that she was tuned in to the conversation, added “uh-huhs” when appropriate, and behaved as though nothing in the world was more important than hearing about the life of Talkative Woman.
It sounds so easy! And yet… it seems to take talent. Because most of us want to be the one doing the talking.
I admit, I sat there during that conversation thinking, “Do I do this to my friend?? Do I talk on and on like that while she patiently listens until I eventually run out of breath?!”
I would love to say that I am such a good listener myself. But I’m not. I want people to listen to me. I want people to make me feel like I’m interesting. I want my thoughts validated. I’m too busy thinking about me to remember that person I’m chatting with wants those things too.
Focus on Them… It’s Good for You
This should actually be great news for people who struggle with social anxiety. If you’re worried about what to say in social situations, you can calm down and remember that listening is much more valuable than talking. Asking about the other person and showing interest in what they say is more appreciated than talking about your own stuff while they listen.
Now, you do have to pay attention when you’re listening. I sometimes get so busy thinking about the thoughts in my own head that I zone out and ignore the people around me. Listening is more than just shutting up while someone else talks. If you want your conversation to go well, you have to listen and respond. They’re going to notice if you’re in your own little world.
But that’s good news, especially for those of us dealing with anxiety or depression. The last thing anxious or depressed people need is to spend more time thinking about themselves. If you’re listening to somebody else, then you’re thinking about them. And if you’re thinking about them, you’re not thinking about you.
It’s good for my mental health when I stop focusing on me.
Lots of Reasons to Listen
So, you want to be a better friend? Want people to like you more? Want to feel less anxious and depressed?
Listen.
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