Why, God, why??? Why won’t you take away my pain? Why won’t you heal me? Why won’t you change my husband and my kids? Why won’t you change my circumstances?
WHY WON’T YOU FIX MY PROBLEMS??
When God Won’t Remove the Problem (yet)
I’ve been listening to an audiobook by Joni Eareckson Tada called “A Lifetime of Wisdom.” A diving accident that happened when she was a teenager left her as a quadriplegic. Initially, she became terribly depressed (and who wouldn’t?). She desperately wanted God to heal her – but He didn’t.
Joni heard stories of other people praying for healing and receiving it – so why didn’t she?
I had never noticed before, until listening to Joni’s book, that there was a place right at the beginning of Mark, where Jesus made the deliberate decision to leave a place where too many people wanted to be healed. He had just spent a long time healing and driving out demons. Then the next day:
“Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed, “Everyone is looking for you!” Jesus replied, “Let us go somewhere else – to the nearby villages – so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.” (Mark 1:36-38, NIV)
People wanted to be healed, and Jesus left.
Why?
Expected, Not Appreciated
I remember hearing a frustrated grandmother telling someone that one of her grandchildren said to her, “It’s my birthday. Where’s my present?” In response, that grandmother didn’t give any of her grandchildren any birthday presents that year.
That may seem a bit harsh, but think about it: Does anybody really want to be loved for their gifts? Ever heard the saying, “You should stop doing things for someone when you realize that it’s expected rather than appreciated”?
God doesn’t want to be loved for His power and His gifts either. But there’s another problem.
The idea that something is a “miracle” is refuted when it happens too frequently. Did you recently get over a cold? I bet nobody called it a miracle. Recovery was expected to happen. Of course your body eventually fought off the illness after a few days, as human bodies usually do!
Reality check: If God wants to show evidence of His existence and His love by performing miracles, He can’t do it too frequently. If He does, people will expect the “miracles” and they won’t be miracles.
But doesn’t God care?
Happiness in Unexpected Places
A few years ago, I read Corrie ten Boom’s amazing book, “The Hiding Place.” It was the story of her family’s brave attempts to save Jewish people in Holland during the Holocaust, which resulted in Corrie and her sister being sent to prison and later to a concentration camp.
What really surprised me in the book was that there were some days in those horrible places where it sounded like Corrie and the others were actually happy. Not that they forgot about their circumstances or stopped wanting to go home. But they had moments when they were happy while still inside the prison. They became thankful for the little things. They adjusted to the “new normal.” There were moments when they were enjoying the simple pleasures where they were.
The Hedonic Treadmill
The “Hedonic Treadmill” is the term that describes the way people tend to bounce back and return to their original, baseline level of happiness, regardless of what happens. It’s like a treadmill because no matter how many steps you take, you’re still in the same place. (For more about that, see this article).
Circumstances don’t determine people’s happiness – at least, not for the long term. There may be exceptions, but that’s the way the human brain generally works.
There’s a story of a poor fisherman who caught a magic fish. The fish promised to grant a wish if the fisherman would release him. The fisherman went home to his wife and asked what he should wish for. She asked for her circumstances to be better in one way or another (she might have started with a bigger house), so the fish granted the wish. After a few days, she was unhappy again and asked her husband to go back to the fish and ask for more. This went on for a while – with the wife getting what she wanted but always wanting more – until the fish took back everything it had given her. Then the fisherman’s wife was happy again.
A change in your circumstances won’t change your level of happiness forever.
You can win the lottery and still be miserable a few years later. You get used to the new luxuries, and the smaller things begin to bother you. You get frustrated trying to use all the new gadgets in your new car. You get anxious or upset over the way other rich people treat you. The list goes on. An improvement in circumstances will raise your expectations and bring new things to complain about.
On the other hand, your income can drop significantly, and you can still be quite happy a few years later. You learn that you didn’t really need to keep up with the Joneses, and you feel less stressed now that you’re not trying to. You learn to appreciate the simple pleasures in life. You may form stronger family relationships. You learn that when life gives you lemons, you can use them to make some really great lemonade!
Whatever the circumstances, people adjust to the “new normal.”
Appreciating What You Already Have
Last week, I was worrying that I was going blind. (You can read that post here.) This worry consumed my thoughts all day long, for many days. How much longer would I be able to see? What would I do if I went blind?? How would I function and care for my family?? Then I went to the ophthalmologist and learned that my floaters were normal and I just needed to ignore them. For about a day or two, I was elated. But now it is the following Wednesday – five days later. Am I still ecstatic and elated? Nope! I’ve moved on to worrying about other things. I’ve gone back to normal – which means I can see, and yet I still have other problems. (But writing this paragraph has reminded me to feel grateful for that, and I suddenly feel just a little bit happier!)
Listening to Joni’s book, I suddenly felt so very grateful for things I had not bothered to appreciate in a long time. I’ve had use of my arms and legs since I can remember. But when was the last time that fact made me happy? I always have my arms and legs – and what’s so great about that? I’m too busy thinking about other things! Unfortunately, the things I’m thinking about are my problems.
If I suddenly became a quadriplegic tomorrow, I would suddenly value my arms and legs very much.
Happier for the Long Haul – It’s Good News!
So what makes people happier for the long haul?
I’m happy to say, it’s things that you can still control even when your circumstances change. Your happiness is not determined by the things you have no control over.
Here are a few things that make people happier:
- Meaningful work
- Helping others
- Volunteering
- Spending time with friends
- Spending time with God
- Setting goals
- Accomplishing new things
- Having a sense of purpose
- Keeping a gratitude journal
Those are things that create real joy and happiness that lasts a long time.
It’s not what you have so much as what you contribute, share, give, and achieve.
As Joni has provided, she can still do all of those things from her wheelchair.
Corrie ten Boom managed to do those things during the Holocaust.
I hope God does heal you and fix your circumstances. Sometimes, He does. Sometimes, He surprises us with miracles beyond anything we ever imagined.
But don’t depend on circumstances to make you happy. They don’t. God has wired us in such a way that we don’t need perfect circumstances to be happy. There will always be things to things to be thankful for, and there will always be something to complain about. Your focus is what makes the difference. The way you face your problems makes the difference!