I can remember being scared to death before the start of high school. I remember my grandparents coming to visit, and I was just too scared to relax. My grandmother said, “Oh, the fear of the unknown!”
The Fog of the Unknown
Most of us don’t like the unknown. I like to know what’s coming. I don’t like feeling as if I’m trapped in some big fog and can’t see what’s two feet in front of me. Even now, as a substitute teacher, when I often don’t know where I’ll be from one day to the next, I still like to know that day’s schedule as soon as I get into my classroom. I don’t like it when I’m working with other teachers who don’t think to give me the run-down when I walk through the door and prefer to tell me what to do from one minute to the next. I want to know what to expect. When is lunch? When are specials? What will the specials be? Don’t keep me in suspense!
Reality Check: Nothing is ever really “known.” We can only plan and hope. You never know when something will come along that will mess up the best-laid plans. I wasn’t expecting to have the flu last week. That wasn’t in my plans at all. But it happened, and I had to deal with it when it did.
On the other hand, sometimes change can be a welcome thing. Sometimes I’m sick and tired of doing the same thing day in and day out. The routine is comforting but also boring. Sometimes it’s exciting to do something different! But even then, a little notice is appreciated.
It’s one thing if there’s a change in the time of my lunch break at work. It’s quite anything thing when more permanent changes happen. What if I lose my job? What if we get bad news from the doctor that someone has a permanent condition… or a terminal condition? And what about the expected good changes that bring a big feeling of loss, such as a grown child moving out?
Other People Don’t Have It All Under Control Either
I recently had a discussion about life with my daughter. She was having one of those days when she felt like our lives were worse than just about everybody else’s. As if nobody had a family who didn’t have it all together as much as our family didn’t have it all together. Until I started naming families and asking if she would like to trade places with this person or that person… No… No… No. Hmmm. Maybe the problem isn’t that our lives are so much worse than everyone else’s, but that most people try to put their best foot forward when they’re in public or online, and we forget that they have their own stuff happening behind the scenes. Unless we are very close to someone, we often don’t realize these problems are happening until they have already passed the point of no return. We find out they didn’t have the perfect marriage when they announce their separation. We find out they weren’t rich when they file for bankruptcy. Things are not always what they seem.
My point is that everybody is going through stuff. Everybody. We just don’t air our dirty laundry to everyone we meet. This isn’t a bad thing… I don’t want my husband and children announcing all my faults everywhere they go. It would be disrespectful to go around talking badly about our family members behind their backs every chance we get.
But, when I can get my eyes off myself and my problems and remember that other people are going through things too, that helps me to navigate the unexpected changes that come up in my life. Everybody gets bad news. Nobody has everything under control. It’s an illusion. For some reason, we like to give each other the impression that we’ve got it all under control… but nobody does.
You’re Not God, Stop Trying to Be
If you’re not God, you don’t have everything under control.
So maybe it’s OK to think you should. Drop the expectation that everything will happen the way you want it to. Drop the idea that there is something wrong with you when things go wrong. Stop pressuring yourself to have everything under control. Or to give other people the false impression that you have everything under control.
This doesn’t mean that you don’t plan ahead and do the best you can when you can. It just means you acknowledge that some things are outside of your control, and you will do the best you can to deal with them as they come. You can’t plan for everything.
As a pastor at our church once said: You don’t need to have Plans A, B, C, D… all the way to Z. That’s called “analysis paralysis.” Instead of having every backup plan under the sun, at some point, we have to say, “Well, if that doesn’t work, then… GOD.” Why? Because only God knows what will happen. Our imaginations aren’t wild enough to imagine every possible thing that could ever happen so that we can make a plan for it. Who could have predicted all of the changes that happened during COVID-19? Before it actually happened, it never crossed my mind that such a thing could happen… not here…. not in the United States of America in 2020! That was not something I ever thought to prepare for before it suddenly hit. But God knew it was coming, and God got us through it.
Planning is wonderful, to a point. Useless worrying about things that you can’t control is not.
Maybe It Will Be Good
If the change you just found about it is a tragic one, you don’t need to be Pollyanna and immediately think of all the ways that it could really be a good thing. Grieving is healthy and important. But what about all the other changes that tend to cause us enormous stress because we immediately – and unnecessarily – think of all the ways the changes could be bad, instead of giving them a chance to be good?
I have a terrible habit of catastrophizing. My mind goes to the worst possible outcomes. In my mind, it takes about 30 seconds for the domino effect to happen: Some relatively minor problem causes another and another and another until our lives have all been irrevocably ruined.
But what if that isn’t what happens? What if, instead of being the worst possible thing that could ever happen, it ends up being a very good thing that takes your life in a new and wonderful direction?
God can do that, you know!
Navigating changes – especially painful ones – is hard for everyone. But it’s much less stressful when you remember that everyone deals with problems and changes, you aren’t alone, and you aren’t expected to have everything under control all the time. It’s OK to take things one step at a time and trust God. He holds the future.