Ever get frustrated with a family member’s behavior and want them to change?
So you decide to take the direct approach. You tell them what’s bothering you. You let them know what they’ve done wrong and how you would like them to change.
And when that doesn’t work the first time, you let them know again. More forcefully. With unhappy body language, sighing, eye-rolling. Maybe say it a little louder. So they can really see how angry you are!
I’ve been trying all of those things for years. Sometimes my methods would seem to work, at least a little bit. My family wanted me to stop yelling, so they would move faster.
But it didn’t cause long-term change. Can you believe it? Nobody became happier and realized that my way was best! Maybe they did what I asked, but they did it angrily and resentfully, just to get me to stop yelling and go away.
Why would they? When somebody finds fault with me, blames me, and gets very nasty toward me, I don’t suddenly see the error of my ways and realize how great their ideas are. No way! Would you? Instead, I feel hurt, defensive, and angry.
The way you feel about yourself when I’m around you is the way I’ll feel about you. That’s generally how it works. Think about it. If another person makes you feel like dirt, do you think, “Wow, what an incredible person!”? If you do, you are a very rare and special person. Most people would start thinking of all the ways that other person falls short. But if another person makes you feel good about yourself (special, important, needed, loved), how do you feel about that person? Are you feeling much more generous now, even if they do have a few faults? That’s normal. When people are generous with you and notice your good points, suddenly you get amnesia about their faults and notice their good points as well.
So what do you do when you’re frustrated with someone else’s behavior?
Here are a few ideas:
- Notice the good things they do. Compliment, compliment, compliment! And do it sincerely. A relationship is like a bank account. You have to put in more than you take out. Positive feedback is like making a deposit. Negative feedback is like making a withdrawal. If you want to withdraw, you’d better have a lot more in than what you want to take out.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff. If it’s really not that important, let it go. You can only make just so many withdrawals before you will be overdrawn. Make those withdrawals count.
- When possible, let people learn through natural consequences. Sometimes if you simply don’t act and let things go, the people in your life will learn their lesson without you ever having to say a word. This requires patience. You might have to leave things undone a little longer than you normally would so that someone else in your family will feel bothered by it and do it. If they know they can count on you to do it, they won’t feel motivated to do it.
- Express what you really want and nothing more. I learned this from Laura Doyle, author of “The Empowered Wife.” Stating what you would like or what you wish you could have without adding negative comments about why you don’t have it yet. That is far more effective than complaining or blaming. Use the words, “I’d love…” and then state what you would love to have. Again, be patient. The other person may want to make you happy, but they may not be in a good position to do it right that minute.
- Be generous with what you believe about other people’s motives. It’s very tempting (and rather toxic) to assume that the other person isn’t giving you what you want because they don’t care about you, or they are lazy or selfish or have some other awful motive. Be generous instead. What do you want your family members to believe about you when you don’t give them what they want immediately? Focus on the good things they do, and give them the benefit of the doubt. This mindset shift can make a huge difference.
- Say, “Thank you!” When you do get what you want – or even part of what you want – notice! Say thank you. Express gratitude. Let them know how happy you are now and how much you appreciate whatever they did.
- Ignore small mistakes. Nitpicking will discourage people and make them less likely to try in the future.
- Remember that people will live up or down to the labels you give them. So expect the best! Give them a reputation to live up to. If you go around complaining about how your husband can never do anything right, guess what you’re going to have? A husband who never does anything right! But if you go around noticing how helpful, hard-working, and intelligent your husband is, then what will you have? A husband who gets better and better, because he wants to live up to your expectations.
Be patient! Rome wasn’t built in a day. But it was built. So stick with it. Persevere and be consistent. Don’t give up!