The Armchair Doctor
She was at it again.
Armchair Doctor. That person in my life who thinks she knows what’s wrong with me. She can see where I went wrong. How my behavior caused my problems. How my change of behavior could fix everyone’s problems. And she’s able to give me this diagnosis from the comfort of her home. Without having to do any legwork or even examine the evidence. What an amazing ability, right?
And no, Armchair Doctor doesn’t advise me to do things the way she did them herself. No, she lived her life her own way… but now she knows better, and she’s got different standards for me.
Yes, I understand that as we get older, we realize that we’ve made some mistakes. If we could go back in time and do a few things differently, most of us would. We want the people we care about to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them. There are things I tell my daughter not to do because I tried doing things that way, and it didn’t work. So, to some extent, I understand when people say, “Do as I say, not as I did.”
But in this case, it’s a pattern, and it’s not a helpful one. It’s not helpful mostly because Armchair Doctor doesn’t know enough about me. She doesn’t listen long enough to gather all the facts. She guesses what’s going on…. and guesses… and guesses… and although she occasionally guesses correctly, much of the time, she doesn’t.
Guessing
I’m not going to make the same mistake by trying to guess her motives. I don’t know what her motives are, but she’s given me some good things over the years. So I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say I think she means well. I think she genuinely thinks she’s going to fix me. And fix my problems. Or at least make everything better… if only I would stop being so stubborn and do what she tells me to do.
Except many of her solutions don’t make sense because she hasn’t done her homework. She doesn’t spend much time listening or finding out the facts. She asks questions… but then interrupts without listening to the answer. If she doesn’t know, that’s OK, she’ll guess. And guess a lot. And make other guesses based on the previous guesses.
Unfortunately, I Care
I don’t know why, but for some reason, I value this person’s opinion. I want her to think well of me. I want her to understand me. And so I defend myself… and defend myself… and defend myself… and at some point, I realize I’m talking to myself. She’s not listening. If we’re having a conversation by text message, she will literally stop responding. Just not answer at all. I’ll be texting to myself.
It’s infuriating.
Why? Mostly because it leaves me completely without closure. Why has she stopped talking? Why had she stopped listening? Where did she go? And now I’m stuck rehearsing the conversation in my head… again… and again… and again… but it doesn’t help because this is now a conversation that’s only happening in my head. I’m not texting or talking at all. There’s no chance that she will ever read what is stuck in my mind. It’s all in my head.
One day a few months ago, I had a conversation with someone who told me casually that a person who exhibits this type of behavior is called a “crazymaker.” Hmm. That got me thinking. Does this person’s behavior make me crazy?
Crazy Makers
Next thing I knew, I was ordering a book from the library about crazymakers. And now I’m reading a book called “Dealing with the CrazyMakers in Your Life,” by Dr. David Hawkins.
Did you know that there are many people in the world who behave the way Armchair Doctor does? (Surprise! But I bet you already knew that.) They know what’s wrong with you, but it’s based on assumptions, guesses, misperceptions, and misunderstandings. Their diagnosis is based on fabricated lab results that are all in their head. They are so full of made-up information that you instantly want to respond with ten zillion reasons why their armchair diagnosis is wrong.
But if you defend yourself… they’ve got you. There is no winning in this situation. Your protests fall on deaf ears. I’m not going to convince Armchair Doctor that her assumptions are wrong or that she has misinterpreted the problems. Or, if I do convince her, it won’t last. There will always be more assumptions and misinterpretations.
When I do push back, what generally happens? Armchair Doctor withdraws abruptly. She doesn’t concede the argument or accept my explanations. She simply stops responding. She sees no point in continuing the conversation if I’m too stubborn to learn from her wisdom. Armchair Doctor falls asleep in her armchair, and I’m left confused, angry, and hurt.
And while she’s busy stonewalling, I’m stuck arguing with myself in my own head. Trying to convince myself that I’m right. Thinking of better things I could have said. Better comebacks for her accusations, many of which were implied and not even stated directly. But I’m not going to get the validation and closure I’m craving because Armchair Doctor isn’t really there anymore.
What To Do?
What’s the solution? As Dr. Dawkins says: Don’t take the bait.
Here’s a crazy idea for those dealing with crazy makers: You don’t need to defend yourself. You don’t need to start that cycle. You don’t need to go down that road. It goes nowhere. It’s like driving around a traffic circle forever and never getting off.
So don’t get onto the traffic circle.
If you accidentally got onto it already, get off at the next exit.
Stop defending yourself.
What these people think of you is between them and God. God knows the truth. God’s opinion is the only one that matters.
I’m not talking about people who are willing to listen, trying to help you, and confronting you in good faith about problems you might not be aware of. I’m not talking about refusing to have honest and open conversations with people who can give you feedback that might not be pleasant to hear but that you might need to hear. Usually, the people you ought to listen to will do their best to understand the situation first. They’ll be willing to listen to your side of the story. Those folks care about their relationship with you and won’t just withdraw from the conversation if you don’t agree with their assessment of you.
But it doesn’t take long to figure out the difference between those types of conversations, and the ones where the other person criticizes and you defend yourself… and they criticize and you defend… and they criticize and you defend… endlessly.
No, thank you. I’m not interested in playing this game. Let’s talk about something else. Or not talk at all, if we can’t agree on a better subject to talk about.
Do yourself a favor. Pull the plug on those conversations.
Then go talk to someone who will actually listen.